on love and loss

i had the announcement all planned out

we were going to send out a Christmas card with a picture of SG wearing a "Big Sister" shirt

i couldn't wait to order that shirt. to take that picture. to see our families faces.

my little girl was going to be a big sister. the best  big sister. besides her mama

 

 

i don't know how to sugar coat it

the truth is, when i found out i was pregnant with SG, i was devastated

i blamed my reaction on the fact that i was about to start a brand new job. my dream job

and now i'd have to tell my bosses that i was expecting a baby

 that the person they hired no longer existed

she disappeared the minute that bright blue line popped up. we'd been married 11 months when i found out i was pregnant the first time. we both had good jobs. we'd been together 6 years. we were happily married. so i should have been excited, but i wasn't. i lost 19lbs my first trimester because all i did was cry. i was too upset to eat. and i have never felt so alone.

i know now that my reaction had nothing to do with that dream job and everything to do with me.

i was terrified.

my grandparents raised me because my mother couldn't. or wouldn't.

and during my entire pregnancy i was afraid that i wouldn't be a good mom. that i wouldn't know how to be a good mom. that i'd want to drop the baby off at the nearest fire station, and run away.

 i was pregnant for 41 weeks and i never once felt ready for the baby to come.

 

 

ready or not she finally came, a week late, on her daddy's birthday

and those first few days were really hard

but i fell in love with my little girl. and i fell hard

 

 

so this time. this most recent time. was different.

when this test was positive i got to give my husband the reaction he'd always wanted

and i meant it. i was so excited this time

because this time i knew how much i could love my child. my children

my daughter has taught me that i am capable of love beyond measure

she healed my broken heart and restored my belief in a mother's love

and i want to give her a sibling. because no matter what doubts i have ever had about a parents love i have always known how important siblings are. i am the oldest of four kids and i don't know what i would do without my sisters. and i want that for my daughter.
 she is enough for me but i worry that i might not always be enough for her

 

 

 it all went wrong pretty quickly

and i was at a crowded concert so there wasn't much time to react

i have cried a million tears. i have asked God why. and i have listened to the quiet

enjoy this little girl you have. appreciate this time you have with her. with just her

 

so that's what i've been doing
enjoying my little girl

and that's what i will continue to do

and i will trust in God's plan because even when i thought i wasn't ready to become a mother He knew i was. He knew that a chubby little 8lb baby girl was exactly what i needed to make myself whole and His timing was better than anything i could have ever planned myself